But the way it happened... I won't share now except to say - in my 46 years of life come next Wednesday - I will have yet to have tangibly heard words come out of another person that felt like Jesus himself speaking to me. I know, it sounds like I could be exaggerating - I am not.
He spoke so boldly to us about "our children waiting on us" about "that's why you're here, to have children and raise them to know and love God" - he called us out on some of our crap and he verbally said he was just leaving us in God's hands... AND he told us - there isn't just one - there's two. He repeatedly said it.
Don was right. Well, Don was God's mouthpiece, so naturally - he was on target.
Before Halle, my first daughter was born, I had zero vision for motherhood. I was an exited pregnant lady with back pain... but after she arrived? No vision needed - motherhood was the vision and it was Love.
To conceive, Chad and I did in vitro. Even before we knew if it was a success, I remember a questionnaire we had to fill out about what we wanted to do with any extra embryos. I remember filling it out as emotionless as if I was doing a new patient form at a doctor's office... my heart wasn't in the matter.
But it wasn't long after bringing Halle home, I didn't have to wonder - I knew my choice with the one embryo that remained. Even as a tiny baby, I could see Halle easily as the older sister and the thought that her embryo could have been the one left behind haunted me.
Right there... right there is the beginning point for me of how I know the second baby lives. But not close to the last time she's spoken to me, her existence - I've heard through darkness and now in the light - I'll share with you the exact moments.
HJC, Halle's monogram, hung on a tiny wall in our kitchen. Those three letters often caught my gaze and at some point my heart always saw two girls sharing those same initials. Halle was born in January of '15 and it was October that I told her dad, I think if I keep feeling better, we should try for the 2nd embryo in March.
Then November 8th came and so too the ending of a 16 year marriage. And instantly for me, that embryo died too. The first time HJC caught my eye in the kitchen later that same day - the only strong emotion I had was relief at the thought of not having to be pregnant again.
By Christmas of this same year, the divorce was in full swing. And one morning, I was doing some exercises when out of the blue I hear something to the effect of, "It's still your say with the embryo." I mean knock me over - and honestly after the words sank in I started crying thinking I've official gone off the deep end, emotionally lost it... b/c "It's still your say," was for me God saying - divorce doesn't mean you don't make the choice about that embryo - you still have to choose. And my heart in the matter knew that meant yes.
I decided with all the emotions, the rational thing God was asking of me was just to settle the ownership of the embryo in the divorce decree... and by Feb 5th, 2016, when those papers were final - so too was sole parenting of my 2nd daughter... this is how it felt in my heart - and another example of how her presence spoke to me in the dark.
She wasn't done speaking.
That season is blurry to me - I was processing the loss for both myself and a very small child, working, and trying to adapt to doing it alone. It was just a lot of change all at once. And let me reassure you - birthing an embryo wasn't on my radar. And yet, I recall 3 very distinct moments, I was on hers. I may have them out of order, but one was simply walking down the stairs - and a wave of her presence ushered into the noise of my daily life and it stopped me in my tracks. I stood right on the stair case and prayed for wisdom. The next, was standing in front of a make shift dresser I had in that season... I can picture the black shelves staring back at me 7 years later and the same wave of her presence that overtook me then and has the power to do so even now. These moments would come and would cause me to pray.
The final time came as I stood worshipping after I'd spent time reading that morning - I didn't have her on my mind - far from it but by the time the songs ended - it was sealed in my heart, God was bigger, and I could give this my yes.
November of 2016 was my initial appointment back with the same doctor. The emotions of being back in the office overtook me by surprise - contrasting so much with what it was like the last time I was there. I can recall the seat as I waited to go back... I had with me the things I'd written down during that convicting morning of worship b/c I knew the doubt had a good chance of being sky high. But I left with peace and a plan to begin the shots with the onset of my next menstrual cycle.
I had a very close friend who I had been counseling me in regards to walking out the divorce. I'd not shared with her this side bar but did the next time we would have spoken. She urged me to reconsider... her perspective was I had time and there was no need to rush this amidst the emotions on the table that still needed sorting out.
This was a friend I'd grown to trust for the past 11 years and God had used her multiple times to encourage me and to bring truth & wisdom and never once had I regretted listening. So this fired a large alarm in me b/c that wasn't the reaction I was anticipating... not one for backing down from a hard path - I thought she'd rejoice and encourage me instead.
My cycle started later that same day! and I didn't pull the trigger on the shots. While I felt my geared up emotions about it all go a little hay wire - I made the choice believing the time was coming - it just wasn't right now.
December 2016, just one month later, I began dating someone and this was my first go out the gate from my divorce. I fell hard for him and often remember being so grateful I was falling in love instead of growing a human in my belly and therefore being thankful for the timing of the call my friend gave.
Fast forward 5 months to the ending of that relationship, I can't pen what all God was doing in my emotional well-being or obvious lack of during the season that was May 4th, 2017 to September-ish.... except to say it was a lot - and with the paperwork of signing for storing the embryo for another year sitting on my table, I had a choice to make that brought strong and conflicting emotions.
I was raising a 2 year old at this time who needed to be potty-trained and to give you an idea of how low I was, the thought of starting that was enough to make me shut down. I mean shut down... funny the things that become the last straw. Baby girl rocked the potty-training by the way - once I pulled it together enough to start it, and seriously - THANK YOU GOD.
I'd take Halle to the library every so often to get new books and a video. One of the last times we'd gone... a movie jumped out at me on the shelf and it was because the title was Noelle (a 2007 film). Noel was a word God highlighted to me during my divorce... I mean highlighted it, gave it tons of meaning for me, and then topped it off with a popular song released that same year. (Noel - Lauren Daigle)
So, it was on a Saturday night that summer of 2017, after putting my girl to bed, in the midst of a broken heart, potty training, a glass of wine, and paying bills online - I sat and watched Noelle, and cried and signed the papers to release the embryo.
"All is forgiven" I wrote,
a line from the ending of that film.
I was so low emotionally in that season, struggling to parent just one child, and taking the long way to acknowledge what I could no longer carry. On top of this, the thought of paying another year to "store the embryo" didn't feel like that to me. Rather the feeling was like putting my child in prison instead of releasing her to heaven. Upon reading that line at the end of the movie - a chord in me was struck - and I made my choice.
Sept 19th of 2017, I received in the mail a letter. I still have it and I wrestle with the words written.
"Dear Client,
As requested in the Termination of Account and Final Disposition of Embryos form we received from you, we have terminated storage of your embryo. One straw containing a reported one embryo was thawed and discarded on August 22, 2017. You do not have any embryos remaining in storage.
We appreciate the opportunity to have served you,
Sincerely..."
Her name is Haydn June Crane. And she still speaks to me, very much so. Magnolia trees, a piece of art Halle made once in preschool, a dream, and just now - a wave of her came & went so strongly it is what prompted this writing of who she is to me. Shared with a prayer that God will help me put into action the precious wisdom her life so mysteriously teaches me. Amen.
We are becoming the end of our journey, wise or foolish,
and every moment takes us closer there. God loves us &
very much cares about this ending leading to eternal life.
~Raymond Ortlund Jr.